In the style of a lurid blockbuster that doesn’t know when to quit, I present Window Wars 3. To recap, there was Window Wars 1 with its prequel Mummy Loses Her Skirt. This was quickly followed by Window Wars 2 in which Eve and Leah made a woman on the bus cry. Now I present Window Wars 3, with its familar setting on a busy London bus on a hot rush hour morning. The cast of characters is:
Character notes: regards getting the window seat as a birthright, does not negotiate
Character notes: ace sulker
Character notes: ineffectual negotiator/briber who cannot believe the day is already this stressful and it’s only 8am
Man with broken foot
Character notes: surprisingly stoic in the circumstances
Character notes: able to be wise, kind and indulgent as he plumped for the commute home that day
Other commuters – no dialogue but can convey thoughts such as “your children are spoilt“, “thank God I don’t have kids” and “how long till my stop?“, by facial expression alone.
Plot Summary: bus arrives and Twin 1 jumps on like a salmon making for the sea, bagging the only empty window seat. Twin 2 throws a tantrum because she hasn’t landed the window seat and loudly refuses to sit anywhere else. A woman is kicked in the shin and the man with a broken foot looks frightened.
Twin 1 innocently enquires why her sister is crying. Twin 2 sits on the floor and the Mummy tries to use physical force to get to sit in her seat. Twin 2 yells at The Mummy, “I don’t like you anymore.” Biscuit bribes and other distractions all fail to get Twin 2 to sit anywhere apart from the floor. After ten minutes of this the man with the broken foot precariously hobbles further down the bus and Leah triumphantly leaps into his window seat.
Twin 1 decides Twin 2’s seat is more desirable after all and suggests swapping with Twin 2 who naturally refuses. The Mummy tries various tactics all of which fail miserably and both Twin 1 and Twin 2 start crying. Twin 2 demands that The Mummy send The Daddy a Blackberry on the ‘puter to tell him she must have the window seat on the way home. The Mummy doesn’t know whether to admire Twin 2’s tactics or feel sad that she has noticed how much of the communication during the week between The Mummy and The Daddy is via a Blackberry.
Meanwhile several commuters leave the bus, some before their regular stop. New commuters embark and Twin 1 announces loudly. “I don’t like these people“. The Mummy doesn’t look like she can take much more and Window Wars 3 climax is a tense scene in which the commuters don’t know if the bus journey will end before The Mummy breaks down. The bus reaches the stop just in time. Window Wars 3 ends with a cameo from The Daddy printing off the email and reading it to Twin 1.
I am counting down the number of commutes left before Eve and Leah start school. It’s 23 days – 11 commutes for Mr Rush Hour and 12 for me. Still time for Window Wars 4 though.